Senseless Scribbles
by Iloveplotbunnies
Summary: a collection of parody and humor based on almost every episode. 3nd, Red Brick and Ivy, : "Good people play Yatzee and Strip Poker, because they're good…and bad people are bad. So let's test your morals, shall we?"
1. Chapter 1

**Senseless Scribbles:**

**The Parody Collection**

**A/N: **Haha. I'm back with my _lovely _sense of humor. It's been _way _too long since I've had anything remotely not angst related written.

I've been wanting to do something like this for sometime, even after I had written _Kidnapping 101_, so…I finally decided to parody almost every TM episode. (I wanted to start with Season 2, the season finale…but I remembered quickly that a) a certain _someone_ is actually in season 1 and b) what better way to start something than to start with the beginning?) I don't know which episode I'll do next, but I'm thinking maybe…another season 1 episode?

Anyway, enjoy!

**Title: **Gettin' Frisky (or better known as The Pilot)

**Rating: **T, for language and sexual humor.

**Summary: **"I can magically appear through doors, walls, and even oven spaces but for the sake of the storyline, I stole your cardkey when I decided to frisk you."

**Disclaimer**: I obviously do not own anything besides the parody version of this.

* * *

Jane followed Lisbon up the path to the Tolliver home, his green-blue eyes trying to focus on anything and everything except Lisbon's swaying hips.

_I will not think about anything kinky involving my boss._

_I will not think about anything that could get me enrolled in a sexual harassment seminar. _

_I will not think about my boss in anything besides her work clothes. _

_I will not think about __**doing**__ my boss, no matter how much I may or may not fantasize about it. _

The thoughts continued in his mind until both of them met up with the captain. Jane ignored the blatant power play to focus on the neighbor kid, who definitely needed a new pair of pants or at least a different haircut before his gaze turned again to focus on the gurney carrying the covered body of Mercy Tolliver.

_Hmm…I wonder if Lisbon would buy me one for my birthday_…

His attention span, which Lisbon likened to one of a goldfish, focused on some man with a skull tattoo, and Jane wondered if Lisbon had any tattoos on her body—he tried discreetly glancing behind him, but she had already started to walk off from him.

"Mercy's father would like to conf…I _mean _make a statement." Jane turned his head to find the couple on a raise platform.

"I would like to take a moment and say that this case will be solved using my daughter's diary…" Jane allowed his all-seeing gaze to penetrate the male's statement, before he completely backtracked to break into the Tolliver's home and into the fancy, all too clean kitchen.

He decided because ultimately the kitchen was _too_ clean that he would have to dirty it up by making two cups of tea and a sandwich.

"Hello Mrs. Tolliver." Jane greeted the blonde-haired woman, who had stepped into the kitchen.

"Who are you?"

"My name's Patrick Jane and I'm here to break into your home, drink some of your tea, eat your food and then I'm here to help you kill your husband…would you like a cup of tea?"

"Yes…I would, thank you." She didn't seem too disturbed by the fact that a random stranger would just enter her home, serve himself, and then casually throw out that he would like to help kill her husband. Jane brought the two teacups over to the woman, and sat down at the table making small talk about how calm the room was.

"I've been stalking you and your husband, and I want you to understand that I know how you're feeling right now."

"You have no idea." She responded. "Believe me." Once again, the woman didn't seem too disturbed that Jane had been stalking her or her husband.

"I do, I know and I want to help you." She glanced up at him.

"You can't help me." She scoffed. "What do you know?"

"Well, I know that you know that I know something that has nothing to do with your daughter." She raised her eyebrow in response.

"I…I don't understand…" She sputtered. "You're psychic…?"

"No," he interrupted, with the shake of his head. "I'm just handsomely good looking _and_ I pay attention, which is hard to come by now-a day." She stared at him. "I used to make a good living off of pretending to be a psychic but uh…the pay wasn't so good, and I found out that I had a tendency of pissing off killers like crazy." Both of them stared at each other. "I tell you this, because I want you to understand there's no point of hiding things from me…"

"I have _no _idea what you're talking about…"

"You know what I see when I look at your husband?" Jane peered at her. "I see a husband who…"

"Yes…"

"I didn't even get to finish my long winded dialogue!" Jane whined, and she shrugged.

"Well, I know what you're going to say." She told him. "I get it a lot."

After a few more minutes of convincing Jupiter Tolliver that he knew something that she was hiding, her husband, Morgan decided to step into the kitchen—he was confronted, and then he ended up at the mercy of his wife's gun (which she pulled out of nowhere to shoot him with.) Lisbon and some other officers rushed into the room, guns drawn and Jane threw his arms up in the air.

"Honestly, it's not as bad as it looks."

She gave him the WTF look, before she called and raced after the distraught blonde woman.

"Mrs. Tolliver, Mrs. Tolliver! I assure you that he won't go unpunished for this one!" Jane tried his best for an innocent expression, but failed miserably.

**Two Weeks Later**

Lisbon stepped through the airport all badass, with three other agents behind her until the redheaded agent ruined the effect by pausing to stare at the baggage carousel in complete confusion.

"Oh hey…I forgot the luggage…which I think we need…"

"You forgot the luggage? What do you think you're on, vacation?"

"No ma'am…" She apologized, which prompted Lisbon to tell the redhead what to do next before she turned back to the two men, who stood on both sides of the boss.

"Come on, let's go…" Lisbon directed to the other two men, while the tallest agent flashed the terrified agent an almost sympathetic smile before he scurried along to follow his boss.

After a long enough car ride, in a magic vehicle that no one happens to ever see—the three agents, Agent Lisbon, Agent Tall and Agent Serious step down the sidewalk to find a taxi belonging to none other than the suspended consultant Patrick Jane.

Lisbon and Jane look as if they want to exchange more than banter, especially as he jogs to catch up with her but due to the PG-14 rating of the show—it can't be shown on TV.

"This case is mine!"

"Your case..."

"Red John is mine!" Jane paused at Lisbon's glance. "No, not like that of course but…you know what I mean…"

"No Jane," She answered. "I won't have any idea of what you're talking about until at least season two…but I can tell you that Red John doesn't belong to anyone."

"Actually…" Jane drew out. "Red John belongs to a bunch of producers, writers and directors…but we don't see any of those people on here, so yeah…Red John is still mine in a sort of non-sexual way."

"Whatever you say Jane, but don't come back till next week." She glanced over at the security guard. "Don't let this man pass." As she entered the building, her phone rang. "He…Jane, get off the damned phone!" The consultant pouted in the background.

**OoO**

After a few more minutes of sexual…erm... _professional banter_ in the ME's morgue, and a home, a flashback occurs, which results in a huge time lapse of at least five years and several weeks, in which Jane is giving a psychic reading.

"Yes…I can see it now…" Jane read. "You will have at least thirty cats, and oh yeah, by the way, your father says he's sorry for all the pain he's caused you…"

"I forgive you, Daddy, I forgive you!" The woman weeps openly.

Jane comes to the astonishing conclusion that this is in fact not a Red John case, and that Brett Partridge, the CSI tech of the hour, is not only irksome but he also likes to get off on Fangoria before the three agents, excluding Jane head back to the local sheriffs office to where Jane, is once again right.

"Good morning," he greeted the young chipper agent, who seemed to be reluctantly moving closer to him.

"Can I help you?"

"You must be Van Pelt. A pleasure. Patrick Jane."

"Oh hi!" She gushed. "Good to meet you…"

"Just to let you know, you and Agent Rigsby are going to have tons of hot, steamy make out sessions in interrogation rooms." Van Pelt raised her eyebrow, while Jane continued. "Lisbon won't be impressed, but you'll certainly hear no objections from me."

"Who?"

"You know…the tall agent with the dark hair and blue eyes…?"

"Oh _him_, I doubt it." Van Pelt clarified. "Agent Cho said you'd left town."

"Oh you know. I had people to see…agents to seduce…fires to start…agents to try to seduce…" He glanced over at Lisbon, who still ignored him. "No, no where to go." Lisbon rolled her eyes, which prompted a few more minutes of meaningless talk about desks in the sunlight before Jane turned to find Lisbon.

"Very pleasant addition to the Serious Crimes family." Lisbon glanced up at him.

"Oh hi, when did you get h…"

"Like you haven't been watching me for the past five minutes or so flirting with Van Pelt." Lisbon didn't respond, which made Jane grin. "Don't worry Lisbon; you're still my number one girl." She blinked and he grinned. "Shall we go advance the plotline by going to visit the doctor who doesn't know who Red John is?" Lisbon nodded. "Excellent!"

**OoO**

"…We're a full service private practice," Dr. Wagner told both Jane and Lisbon as they wandered around his office. "We offer sex therapy, sports therapy, sex therapy, cosmetic surgery, sex therapy, organ transplants, sex…."

"Yeah, I got that." Jane interrupted with extravagant hand motions. "But what's the African connection?"

"Oh, _you_ know…"

"Yes, I do." Jane agreed. "But as seeing that Lisbon isn't able to read minds just yet…you might want to say it." When Wagner didn't continue, Jane spoke again. "Out loud." Wagner nodded.

"Half our profits go to build basic staff clinics in Africa." Once the explanation was set, and Jane (plus Lisbon) knew that Alison (the dead victim) didn't have any problems besides the illegal gaining of birth control and the cheating on her husband, they decided to leave with Jane trying to weasel his way into owning more sleep control medicine.

"Yeah…though I did that for Alison, I don't feel right doing that for you." Jane beamed.

"Oh, it's alright." Jane admitted. "I'll just find someone to sleep with…" Jane glanced over at Lisbon, who glanced back.

"Don't even look at me, Jane." Lisbon responded. "If you think you're going to be getting any of that _sleeping help _from me, you're going to see the doctor." He only grinned in response.

**OoO**

For dinner, the collective group of agents (four named, and one still unnamed) decided to have seafood as they started in on the main course, Jane allowed himself to glance at the blushing Van Pelt and Rigsby (who was still unknown to everyone except Jane). "You know, we could seriously avoid some major plot failage if you both would just accept that having sex can never be the answer." Cho, Rigsby, and Van Pelt stared at him as if he had grown a second head; Lisbon only glanced down at the table, and shook her head in response—working with Jane pretty much contracted that you understood that he would make sexual jokes about yourself and your fellow agents.

"I have no idea what you're talking about Jane." Lisbon answered.

"Oh like you don't notice the flirting that goes on between those two, and people say _our _eye-sex is bad." Silence met his answer.

"That's because the both of you could probably power a car with as much UST you've got going on." Lisbon and Jane glanced at each other for a few moments, before Rigsby interrupted.

"Maybe you both should go get a room..." Lisbon glared at him, while Jane chuckled.

"I'd get her in a room, but whether she stays in a bed-I'll never know." Lisbon hit him from across the table with a bread roll. "One of these days, I'm going to report you for that."

"Uh huh." Lisbon agreed. "Sure." Lisbon took a sip of her drink.

"So what do you say to my room later…you, me, and a long list of things we shouldn't do, but we'll do anyway because we can?" Jane asked, coyly and Lisbon glanced at him as she sat her drink down.

"I'll go to your room, only if you somehow manage to find a copycat Red John to write you a letter and make you set off all the fire alarms as you throw yourself down fire escape stairs." Jane nodded.

"Oh, that can't be too hard to find."

And sure enough, it wasn't.

Throughout the rest of the meal, Van Pelt _nicely _pressed her religious views forward—to which Jane promptly informed her that no, he didn't have an immortal soul and he'd prefer it to remain that way.

**In the elevator, five minutes later**

"Goodnight." Cho stated, as he left the elevator after Van Pelt and Rigsby had said their goodbyes—both stood alone. In an elevator. Heavy breathing. Hotness.

"So…"

"No." Van Pelt interrupted. "We can't do this, no…" The doors of the elevator opened. "I promised myself I wouldn't fall in love with a tall and handsome unknown agent from the CBI."

"_Unknown_?" Rigsby muttered, as he stepped off the elevator, only to glance back at her. "Welcome to the unit, Agent Grace Van Pelt."

"Thank you, Agent Rigsby." The doors shut and Rigsby wondered if because she now knew his name, if that changed his chances with her.

**OoO**

"…why is it that you can't sleep?" Jane glanced up at Dr. Wagner, who sat across from Jane, in Wager's office—apparently, Lisbon hadn't been too thrilled about the whole staying up all night situation (or perhaps, she hadn't been happy about all the sexual innuendos at dinner?) but whatever the reason, Lisbon had _actually _called the creepy doctor to set him up an appointment. Hadn't Lisbon learned that a) he wasn't about to talk to creepy strangers and b) she was the only person he would tell his inner most personal secrets to?

"Hormones." Jane answered, simply before he threw back. "What makes you so creepy looking?"

"The water supply." Wagner answered back, seriously. "And…my blatant worshipping of Hannibal Lector." Neither man replied for a few moments, until Wagner continued. "No, seriously…what is it that keeps you awake at night?"

"Well, to save the trouble of a flashback that gets referenced over two seasons—I'll tell you that I pissed off a serial killer named Red John who decided to come kill my wife and child, because of this, I'm now only thirsty for revenge."

"Everything you told me is total fiction, isn't it?" Jane stared at the man in disbelief.

"Really? I couldn't even come up with a story like that if I tried." Jane argued, before he paused. "Well…I guess I could. It seems pretty….I don't know…fictional?"

"Why? I can tell you're in real pain. Why not tell the truth?"

"I'm…you know what?" Jane asked, smacking himself with his own palm. "Never mind, the truth is mine."

"I hear you."

"No, you obviously didn't." Jane argued, as Wagner handed the prescription over. "But you know what? Thanks for giving me some awesome drugs! I can now go share them with Lisbon to get her prepared for her awesome scene _way _after you're in jail." Wagner stared at him, before he and Jane walked to the entrance. "Oh yeah, by the way, Tannen kept a diary—it's in his office, go find it."

"Okay then!" Wagner responded. "I'll go find it, here; do you want to give me a hug?"

"After you open the door for me." Wagner proceeded to open the door with his cardkey that he hid in his pocket, as both men decided to share a love hug! "Have fun searching for the diary!" Jane left Wagner, as Wagner ran with the ferocity of a thousand beasts to Tannen's office to start trashing the office. Jane suddenly appeared with that "all-knowing" look printed across his face.

"Lost something?"

"Hey! How'd you get in here?"

"I can magically appear through doors, walls, and even oven spaces but for the sake of the storyline, I stole your cardkey when I decided to frisk you." Jane announced. "What's your excuse?"

"Uhm. I own this place."

"Not good enough, but we'll deal with that later—I think I left my phone in your office, I need it back because it has all those pictures of Lisbon on…"

"I'm looking for the diary, okay!" Wagner blurted. "Help me!" Jane nodded, and decided to crawl on all fours to peek under the bookshelf to pull out the little orange book.

"Hmmm…I've heard of little black books before, but this—orange must be the new black." Jane concluded. "Okay, well thanks. I'm going to go ahead and give this to Lisb…"

"Mr. Jane, your phone?"

"I _almost _forgot!" Jane raced off into Wagner's office, and picked his phone off the couch he had been sitting on. "I need to leave now, so…don't shoot me until I'm at least five steps away from you…k?"

"Wait!" Wagner interrupted, a gun pointed at Jane. "Give me that!" Jane tossed the orange book toward Wagner, and Wagner flipped through it. "Is this your idea of a joke?" Jane snickered.

"Actually, it's my idea of a good time." Jane stated. "That's why I couldn't sleep."

"Very clever of you, but now you must die!"

"Not if…not if…I throw these sharp things at you." Jane grabbed the porcupine quills and threw them at the man before he took of running (for a second time in forty-eight hours) and met Rigsby in the doorway. "Draw your weapon! Now! So I don't die, because if I did—we'd never have any false shipper hope, and almost _everyone _wants Lisbon and I to get together!" Rigsby fumbled around for his gun, only to point it at Wagner.

"Drop the gun! Down on your knees! Now!" Wagner followed Rigsby's orders, and overall, it was another closed case for Patrick Jane.

**Sometime Later**

"I brought donuts!" Jane cried, as he came into the unit carrying a pink box of donuts while everyone ignored him. "Oh come on, I promise they aren't poisoned this time _and _we closed another case, I really just went to get sleeping pills, you know…since my family's death that I don't talk about, I can't sleep anywhere."

"Uh huh…"

"That's why we had that scene where I ended up in that diner." Jane placed out there. "So, am I forgiven?"

"You screwed around with a family…"

"Eh, that family was screwed anyway." Jane beamed. "Don't blame yourselves okay, because if you do, you might turnout to have a ridiculous amount of issues like Lisbon and I do." Jane glanced at Lisbon, who still ignored him. He stepped over to her, as she continued to work on her paperwork.

"Don't even start. I'm still angry."

"I'm sorry…"

"No you're not." Instead of a reply, Jane placed a frog down on Lisbon's desk. "A frog? Yes, because you couldn't have just sprung for something a little…I don't know…normal to give me?" Jane only grinned, as he walked away only to hear her gasp. "It's alive!"

Instead of doing anything celebratory, Jane decided to go home and wallop in the angst that is his life by sleeping under a creepy ass Red John smiley.

Yes, Patrick Jane needed a life.


	2. Chapter 2

**Title: **12 Step Death Decorum (or better known as Ladies in Red)

**Rating: **T, for language and sexual humor.

**Summary: **After-all, he did have _some _decorum, whether Lisbon believed it or not, for the dead.

**Disclaimer: **I'm parodying this. Obviously it's not mine.

**A/N: **

**Thanks **to **AM**, **Ebony10**, **imadetheminmydreams**, **ness345**, **AnimeArchAngel**, **lucy**, **Simonisthecuttestmentalist**, **MK**, **Chiisana Minako**, **Frogster**, **Jisbon4ever**, **Aeryn Lavanthia**, **ShunKickShunKers**, **chocolateymania**, **waterbaby134**, **Mabeline36**, **Argovia**, and **JelloFrantic123 **for reviewing the first part.

A _very _special thank you though goes to **Chiisana Minako**, who has been poking me for two weeks straight to finish the chapter I had saved on my computer—so that's where we are. I do have the next chapter partially completed, and it's _slightly _out of order with this one, but hey…parodies don't follow numbers and I've never been one for order anyway. ;)

I am _not _about to promise I'll update soon, but we'll see. Enjoy!

* * *

"Not sure why you all were called in, we can handle it..."

Jane grinned to himself as he followed the lady inspector and Lisbon up the steps, while she briefed them on the entire case so far—personally, he enjoyed law enforcement officials who argued about the jurisdictions to the SCU, because he could annoy them with his astonishing intelligence and dashing good looks without getting any grief from Lisbon or Minelli and further more, that _astonishing intelligence _could be used to seduce the petite woman over to his dark side, which involved many late evenings, a large bucket of strawberries, some hand melted chocolate and driving _way_ over the speed limit.

Yup, Lisbon needed to live a little…and the dark side of Patrick Jane would provide her with _just_ the opportunity to do so….but first, he needed a plan to seduce her there, and now, while scouring Jason Sands' office full of boats, probably wouldn't be the best time to map out a 12-step seduction plan. (After-all, he did have _some _decorum, whether Lisbon believed it or not, for the dead.)

Instead, he just decided to take pity on all three of them in locating the missing body. "He's still here."

Rigsby and the lady inspector glanced at him, while Lisbon just kept her eyes scouring around the room.

"Unless he's invisible, he's not Agent Jane." Jane beamed, because honestly; _Agent Jane, _had an _extremely_ nice ring to it…

"He's not an agent, he's a consultant." Lisbon corrected, and the investigator glanced at Jane, who begrudgingly nodded.

"…just until they allow me to have a gun license, that is." He continued to beam brightly, as he lowered his voice. "They don't let me carry a badge, I'm not allowed to be a hard ass in _any form _of the word, as apparently being a hard ass should be left up to Agent Lisbon; they also don't give me dental, _and_ my health care plan was better when I was pretending to speak to dead people for a living, because quite honestly, dead people can't kill you..."

"You were unemployed." Lisbon cut in.

"Exactly!" Jane responded. "Do you know how much they took out of my paycheck per _week _for that?" He paused to let them have a chance to answer, and when they didn't, he responded. "That's right, I'm _poor_."

"Wait a minute," Rigsby interrupted, and Jane glanced at him. "You don't get paid; Minelli said you were doing this out of a civil service to…"

"Yes, the _civil service _of Patrick Jane's bank account." Jane expressed, and at Rigsby's look, he continued on. "If you don't believe me, ask Minelli—he'll tell you that it's a charitable society to donate to…"

"Oh yes," the lady investigator interrupted the argument between consultant and agent, who wasn't Lisbon. "They told me about you; the psychic who's in love with a state agent." Lisbon glanced up from the wreckage on the ground to raise her eyebrows at the both of them.

"For your sake, Jane—I really hope by state agent, she means Van Pelt there." Jane smirked.

"My lips are sealed, Lisbon, sealed."

So after a few more minutes of deciding that bookcases can indeed move, even with Jane punching random numbers on the safe remote (at one point, he realized that the number 555-5555 was not going to work) before he figured the code out using none other than a picture of a sailboat. Once the bookcase opened, they found Jason Sands and while the dead was nothing to grin at, he found himself unable to contain a small impish grin at the mere thought of being one step closer to seducing the woman completely.

"At least no one tried calling out Marco Polo." She only stared at the body and didn't even spare him a glance or, the Lisbon® eye roll, which he still hadn't perfected.

-**Sometime Later at the Funeral of Jason Sands-**

"Why did she invite us to the funeral? We don't even know her and besides _that_, none of our other murder victim families have ever invited us to their victim's funerals…" Lisbon elbowed the whining Jane lightly.

"I don't know why, Jane." Lisbon seemed aspirated, and the bagpipe players continued to play on. "Maybe it's another one of those "mysterious plotlines" that you keep telling me about…and, as I recall…we were invited to one other funeral before."

"Lisbon," Jane shook his head. "That wasn't a funeral."

"Yes, it was."

"No, it wasn't." Lisbon glanced at Jane, who eyed her.

"Then what was it?"

"I thought we were going to a bake sale, and I personally thought that the casket was milk chocolate…" Lisbon silently groaned.

"…_although_, I wondered why the dirt didn't taste like Oreos…" Lisbon moved her hand to pinch the bridge of her nose.

"...the worms weren't exactly gummy either..." She moved her hand to smack him, but then she seemed to the notice that the both of them were at a funeral, and it probably wouldn't be very professional to smack your co-worker around, even if it _was_ Jane and most people would agree on her behalf.

"...and that tombstone wasn't exactly ice cream either...that's exactly why the bureau wouldn't give me dental." Lisbon ignored him, as the bagpipe music stopped and everyone rose from their chairs to give condolences to the widow, Jennifer Sands.

Rigsby interrupted the argument between consultant and boss, before it could turn into further sexual tension. "I look around I don't see anyone here who would torture a man with pliers and a lit cigar."

"Picture them naked and ravenously hungry..." Jane's comment gained a few eyebrow raises. "It works for me every time."

"Ew." Van Pelt responded and Jane grinned.

"Strictly speaking, he wasn't tortured to death; he bled to death in his hidey-hole there." Cho answered, making a hand motion that mirrored one of The Claw.

"Guy has himself to blame then?"

"Kinda."

Eventually, Lisbon and Van Pelt left the boys to watch over the rest of funeral—to which Rigsby only stared at Van Pelt's retreating backside.

"Van Pelt, you're killing me."

"Apparently it works for Rigsby also." Jane stated, and Rigsby turned to look at him in confusion. "It's okay, I won't tell Van Pelt that you secretly imagine her naked and..."

"Too much information, Jane." Cho chided. "Way too much information."

"What?" Jane feigned innocence. "I was only being truthful." The three began to move toward the refreshment table, and Jane cornered Rigsby, who was eating something. "Can I ask you a..."

"No."

"Can I...?"

"No."

"Well..."

"No."

"Have you told her how you feel?" Rigsby narrowed his eyes in lieu of the question.

"Didn't I tell you no?"

"Yes," Jane confirmed, with a nod. "But...in the favor of having nothing else to do, I'm going to ignore you and press right on...being completely and totally aware that at any time, you could technically shoot me."

"It's against the rules."

"I would hope so." Jane mused, out loud. "If you shot me, you'd probably have one angry Lisbon..."

"She wouldn't be angry." Cho interrupted, as he joined the two conspirators. "She'd be halfway to Mexico, throwing a party with a Jane-shaped piñata and a very sharp stick."

"I _meant_," Rigsby continued. "She's a coworker—it's against the rules."

"Lisbon going to Mexico isn't against the rules." Jane rephrased. "Unless...you're in love with Lisbon..." Rigsby ignored Jane's comment, to which Jane narrowed his eyes. "You are, aren't you?"

"He's obviously not in love with Lisbon, considering he stares at the back of Van Pelt's neck for hours on end." Rigsby threw Cho a dirty glare, whose lips twitched into a small smile of amusement.

"Well then," Jane stated, as if it was the most _obvious_ thing to do in a situation like that. "You've got to seduce her..."

"Seduction's not my strong point..."

"Meh, seduction's easy...once you know the basic principles." Rigsby and Cho raised their eyebrows. "There's nothing to it."

"If it's so easy, then why don't I see a crowd of women following you around and why aren't you with Lisbon right now?"

"To answer your first question, I do. They're called 'fan girls', and they follow me around _everywhere _I go—it's the price to pay for looking so good, and essentially, after Lisbon comes to her senses and admits that our game is _more _than a game, people will follow her around and they'll write stories about us….lucrative hearsay, of course." Jane told Rigsby, before he narrowed his eyes. "…and lastly, who said we aren't together?"

"The boss." Cho gave. "Five minutes before the funeral, Lisbon said: "Jane and I aren't together, and we _never_ will be together, no matter how sexually charged innuendoes he has up his sleeve."."

"I must have missed that memo, and _never_, really? I thought she enjoyed our sexually charged innuendoes." Jane answered, with a slight shake of the head before he grinned at Rigsby. "Anyway, do you want to know the principles?"

"Fine, I'll bite—what's the basic principle?"

"It'll cost you a dollar."

"For what?"

"If I ever manage to send a car over a cliff, I'll need something to start paying it back with..."

"If you manage to do that, Lisbon will kill you; I doubt you want to piss her off anymore." Rigsby argued.

"Wanna bet?"

"I'm already giving you a dollar." Rigsby groaned. "…and just because I'm a state agent does not mean my wallet is overflowing with an abundance of cash; Jane, honestly, how much money do you think I'm…"

"We'll discuss this at a later time. We'll set up a payment plan or something…" Jane interrupted, as Rigsby handed over the dollar and Jane pocketed it. "Anyway, love and affection."

"I want my dollar back."

"No." Jane argued. "It's collateral, and quite frankly, I don't believe that you listen to half of the things I say to you. So, I'm going to start charging you all for my theories." Rigsby shook his head.

"I gave you a dollar for advice that anyone who spends an hour on Google could find?"

"Well, that's your fault—I'm sure your fancy phone could have saved you money, but look at it this way, you now have one less dollar to spend at the HQ vending machine." Jane insulted. "But…just so you'll stop your whining—I bet you one-hundred more of these dollars, that I can seduce any woman here."

"Okay." Rigsby spoke, as he glanced around before with a grin blossomed on his face. "The widow."

Cho, Rigsby nor Jane moved for a few seconds until Jane grinned brightly and started toward the widow, ignoring Rigsby's hushed calls of his name. Cho shook his head, before he glanced at Rigsby.

"You should probably start planning your funeral, especially when Lisbon hears about this…" Rigsby glanced at Cho, before he glanced at Jane.

"How bad could it be?" Rigsby asked, and Cho raised an eyebrow. "Oh wait, it's Jane. Never mind."

Meanwhile; Jane, who had never been one to turn down a bet from either Rigsby or Cho, waltzed right up to the widow, and told her in front of her deceased husband's casket (which to Jane's ultimate disappointment was made of metal) that up close, she was _very _beautiful. He wasn't even listening as he was being told off, as he silently apologized to Lisbon, though he wasn't apologizing because of the lawsuit that was bound to come from this, but instead, because Lisbon could never compare to this woman, as Lisbon was drop-dead gorgeous and he had an odd feeling that Lisbon wouldn't appreciate him seducing other women.

But, on the other hand...he needed the one hundred dollars more.

"Looks like you own me one hundred bucks." Rigsby told Jane, after he and Cho had saved Jane from being apprehended by security.

Jane only slyly grinned. "Early days Rigsby, early days."

-**CBI Headquarters, Sacramento**-

Minelli let into Jane and Lisbon upon Jane's return from the funeral; of course _everyone _knew that leaving Jane at any event with anyone _but _Lisbon, for an extended amount of time spelled out disastrous results. Honestly though, it humored him immensely that Minelli allowed him to make Lisbon's life a misery, but the last time he had checked—Lisbon wasn't exactly complaining too much about having, as she often stated to anybody who would listen, a personal torture device around. It _also _humored him that Minelli would throw him to the wolves, due to the image that it stirred up; the older boss, picking him up and chucking him out the window, where carnivorous and _very _hungry wolves sat below. He almost whimpered, _Lisbon save me_, but from the gleeful expression written across her face—he decided against it.

Suddenly, Minelli's phone rang and not to Jane's surprise; Jennifer Sands wanted to hear an in-person, at her home apology.

He was going to win that money after all.

After he visited the widow to find she had a daughter who loved trolls, Jason Sands' was broke, and he did his superhero act of the day which involved no shimmery cape, anthrax, a few glances of paperwork and a mutter of shots; he left to head back toward his couch in the SCU to where Lisbon greeted him (and everyone else) with a lovely debriefing.

"Hey, are you sure the widow doesn't know where the money is?" Cho asked, after Lisbon had discussed all the boring stuff.

"No, she's generally broke and generally scared…" Lisbon glanced at him from her spot near Van Pelt's desk.

"You're not soft on her are you?"

"No," he responded, as a grin bloomed across his face. "Why? Does that make you a tad bit jealous?"

"You need to stay well away."

"Lisbon, she's a gorgeous grieving widow! If you were a grieving widow, I'd be all over you…" Lisbon narrowed her eyes.

"Should I make you go stand in the corner, as lecturing you is obviously not going to do anything?"

"Only if you'll go with me, my gorgeous grieving widow…"

"Jane, I'm not married."

"But you will be. Eventually, you and I; my dear, will be married and we'll have that white picket fence, and that dog and those 2.5 children…which I don't exactly understand how anyone can have 2.5 children, considering that…" Lisbon blinked. "It's okay Lisbon," Jane paused in his rant to address her. "It's hard to comprehend at first, but you and I will eventually be married and…" Lisbon threw him glare.

"In your dreams, Jane." She interrupted, seething. "Because…wouldn't that be considered incestuous…you call me 'mom' later on..."

"Ah, but Lisbon." Jane spoke with an impish grin, as he sat up on his couch to view her. "They're not dreams; those are the truths and aspirations that not separate us from one happy ending but they also are impossible to escape from…but don't worry, this isn't going to affect my…." Lisbon turned on her heel, and had already started back toward her office before she paused to face him.

"Is that so?" She asked, and he nodded. "Well then, _this_" she gestured toward her office. "…is me escaping from them." Jane replaced his grin with a small pout, as he watched her step into her glass cubical, and everyone else just snickered in return.

He only leaned back into the comfort of his couch; he'd find a way to make all of this up to her…and win that bet at the same time, after all—winning the bet was probably part of an underlying plot point, and he did _love_ those underlying plot points.

Speaking of plot points….

**OoO**

A little while later, the three SCU members (Cho, Jane and Lisbon) found themselves on a yacht named "Princess", which Jane found to be quite humorous for a _paper copy business_ until he found a gun in his face—in moments like this, because yes, it's almost _every _case that someone has a gun aimed at him, he always wondered why people were so adamant on using him as target practice, or as a hostage. Of course, Lisbon would probably never let him ask that of suspects, considering that it had nothing to do with their present investigation. Sheesh, she wouldn't even left him ask Adrianna Jonovic about Julie, Jason and Jennifer Sands' daughter, and when he finally did ask after all of the boring questions and the humorous thought of Van Pelt being a girl scout selling cookies, all Lisbon had to say was: "tell her not to leave town".

The mere thought made him laugh, as if _any_ murder suspect left town with Patrick Jane around.

"Love and affection, eh?" Rigsby asked, humor in his voice as Jane returned and Jane merely grinned before Lisbon glanced up at him.

"It works _so _well for Lisbon and I…"

"…actually…" Van Pelt interrupted, to Jane's annoyance. "It's more of a hate and hate relationship…" Jane ignored her.

"Oh really? Well, I'm going to go out and advance the plotline some more by asking questions that nobody else understands while I flirt with the gorgeous grieving widow…"

"Okay." Lisbon answered, and Jane glanced at her.

"You're not going to lecture me?"

"Nope."

"…"

She glanced at him. "Considering that I'll have no control over you, _ever; _the very idea of a lecture at this point in our investigation, just seems pointless and time consuming." Rigsby nodded. "Plus, we are _actually _trying to do police work while you're out there trying to win the bet…"

"Wait, who told you about the bet?" Lisbon blinked.

"I can read minds now."

"…not until season…"

"Yes, I know." Lisbon interrupted. "_Not until season 2_; yes, we went over that eons ago—so now that you've managed to irritate me, _and _avoid a lecture—I assume you're going to leave and ask a question about _Peter and the Wolf?_" Jane nodded.

"It seems like the best question to ask, considering that only people who have seen it will know the answer… not all of us have the use of Google at our fingertips." Jane shrugged, as he lifted his jacket off the chair. "Have fun doing boring procedural work!" Jane left Lisbon, who shook her head.

After Jane visited Jennifer again, found out that the duck was indeed played by the bassoon and told her the bad news that her husband was cheating on her with some twenty-year old dancer who may or may not have the ten-thousand dollar nest-egg.

"Hold me, Patrick."

Jane glanced at her. "I don't think that's a good idea because you could be an axe murderer, and Lisbon taught me not to hug random strangers…but…" He reassured her with the upmost look of sincerity. "I wish I could." Jennifer ran off, crying and Jane just stared down at the floor. "Now, while I'm in here and taking my sweet time getting back to Lisbon—Rigsby and Van Pelt should be having their awkward moment…before it's ruined by an even more awkward chase scene…" Jane shook his head. "…then we'll do the entire "did you or did you not kill him?" game…only to get us nowhere, before we find that the daughter, Julie has been kidnapped." He sighed, as he stood from the couch and left the house only to be thrown into some undercover stunt in which he was wet, cold, Lisbon-less, privacy-invaded only to find Adrianna, waving a gun at him. _Again_.

"…this is why I need dental…" Jane muttered, as he glanced at the gun before he glanced at Adrianna. "You're going down the wrong road…"

"I'm not a kidnapper, do you think I want to do this…?"

"Personally, I have no idea—considering that you're the crazy woman waving a gun at me… but uh…tell me what's going on, I can help you." Adrianna glanced at him as if he were crazy.

"I don't know you, I don't _trust _you…"

_"Well…that certainly sounds familiar." _Lisbon breathed into Jane's earpiece, and Jane glanced in the direction the camera with an ill-hidden wink in her direction.

"You're just jealous that I'm sitting in the car, and you're sitting there with enough testosterone to drive you wild."

"What?" Adrianna asked, but before Jane could continue, she interrupted. "Never mind, just give me the diamonds so I can go save Julie." Jane handed them over after doing his whole switch-a-roo thing, which for all purposes, would only work on people with the mindset of a three year old in which she ended up with a water bottle and the fake diamonds in both her hands and he ended up with a gun and the cellphone.

"…HA!" Jane laughed, as he pointed the gun at her. "Who has the gun now? ME! That's right. I've got it turned on you while I'm forwarding the kidnapper's number; so Lisbon and her team of merry agent-men-women can rush in, burst down doors and shoot people before they save Julie—then, we'll just all end up at the hospital…forgetting how you turned a gun on a CBI consultant…because apparently turning a gun on me isn't good enough reason to arrest anybody."

"Sounds good to me." Adrianna agreed, to which Jane only sighed.

**-Sometime Later, Hospital-**

"So…we're just going to wrap this up now." Lisbon explained to Minelli. "Lawyer guy, Bennett killed Jason Sands for ten thousand dollars but we know he has a partner…so while Rigsby and I hide in the utility closet—Cho and Van Pelt can drop the name Wendy, then both of the women will be gone after the two come back to tell us about their acting roles—then Rigsby will look in, and our partner-murderer will be at the house…" Minelli looked skeptical. "Jane's idea…"

"Oh, well _that _makes more sense—you say you don't trust him, yet you let him come up with plots like these?" Lisbon shrugged.

"Somebody has to…"

"Good point, Lisbon." Minelli agreed.

Thus our story ends on a note that Wendy was in fact a purple-haired troll, the diamonds were in the daughter's chandelier, Jennifer Sands killed and tortured her husband (before he bled to death in his little hidey hole), _and _the duck was an oboe.

"When did you first suspect it was her?" Cho asked, as the entire group (excluding Van Pelt) stood outside the Sands' mansion.

"Uh…I had an idea at the funeral service."

"No, you didn't."

"I did!" Jane defended. "She was looking _way _too good; no wife should glow at her husband's funeral." Lisbon glanced at him.

"I'd glow at your funeral." Jane glanced at her.

"That's because you, my Lisbon, would have been the one to kill me—poison perhaps?" She ignored him.

"So, you made that bet with Rigsby that you could seduce her with the deliberate intention of snaring her?"

Jane shrugged. "I wanted to win the bet too…but uh…I couldn't because…"

"If you say that you're in love with me…" Lisbon muttered, and Jane glanced in her direction again.

"Oh Lisbon, I just _knew _you'd come around…when is our wedding—even though we have an off-on brother-sister relationship?"

"In your dreams, Jane." Lisbon stomped off as Van Pelt took her place, and Jane glanced back at Rigsby.

"Just because I lost, doesn't mean you shouldn't take my advice…"

"Yeah, hush—didn't work so well for you did it?"

"I'm serious, go for it." Jane signaled Cho to follow him, which left Van Pelt and Rigsby behind.

"What's he talking about?" She asked, and Rigsby glanced at her.

"It's Jane; he's _always _talking about something."

"Oh, so he's talking about nothing then?"

"Pretty much."

Van Pelt accepted the answer with a nod, and they followed the rest of the team off the property.


	3. Chapter 3

**Senseless Scribbles**

**Title: **The Games Good People Play

**Disclaimer: **I really don't own this.

**Summary: **"Good people play Yatzee and Strip Poker, because they're good…and bad people are bad. So let's test your morals, shall we?" Jane cocked his head. "Question 99, who killed Alex Nelson?"

**Warnings: **Language, silliness…complete crack.

**Spoilers: **If you haven't watched season 1, you might want to do so now.

In case anybody has forgotten, this episode was entitled: "Red Brick and Ivy". One of my personal favorites from season 1, written for an extremely good friend. :D

Thank you so much for all the reviews, and favorites. I've been trying to write these faster, but these story-chapters can take anywhere between nine hours and three weeks to finish.

* * *

**~Leyland University, CA~**

"The human mind…blah, blah, blah…universe; blah, blah…explore…blah, blah, blah, blah…our next speaker…blah, blah…will somehow die as soon as he takes a drink of his water bottle, yet all we scientists know poison takes _at least _a few hours to kill somebody…Alex Nelson." The small audience, quiet before, began to clap.

Alex, a somewhat smug young man gets up on stage and drinks water, before he suddenly keels over.

Everyone screams.

"My husband!" Erica Nelson.

"My lover!" Carrie Sheen.

"…!" Sophie Miller.

"My meal ticket!" Chancellor Stern.

"…!" Sophie Miller.

"No! I've put all my eggs in one basket on this project! He can't be dead!" Lewis Stutzer.

"I'm out of here!" Sophie Miller muttered, as the suspicious-acting blonde woman hurried from the auditorium.

**~CBI Headquarters~**

"CBI, Rigsby!" Rigsby answered the phone. "Jane, phone for you."

Jane glanced at him. "I don't _want _a lifetime share of condos!"

"Somebody named Sophie Miller?"

Jane hesitated, as he continued toward his couch. "Tell her I'm busy…you know, annoying Lisbon or something like that." Rigsby nodded, and put the phone back to his ear.

"I'm sorry ma'am; he's currently out—exploring UST…"

"Wait!" Jane cried, as he spun back around. "My annoying can wait! Because if I _don't_ talk to her, this storyline will be full of no-plot nonsense, and Minelli's dry barbs!"

Rigsby transferred the call, and Jane answered. "Dr. Miller, why must you get between Lisbon and I? Our non-trusting relationship just keeps building—perhaps even to the point where she might actually touch me next week!" Jane grew silent for a moment or so. "But yes, this is Patrick."

**~Lisbon's Office~**

Jane burst into Lisbon's office. "Just to let you know, I will _never _knock and my lady-friend is in trouble. So, I need a favor, though I've done absolutely nothing to deserve it." Lisbon could only stare as he quickly disappeared again.

**~Police Department~**

Sometime later, Sophie Miller sat in a "closet".

"Sophie, you're a scientist. Surely, you killed him! Because _clearly _you're the only person who could get ahold of this stuff, and would leave after Alex Nelson died!" Said the police officer.

"I had somewhere else to be; don't tell me walking out is a huge crime now." Sophie explained, before she continued. "Call me Dr. Miller, as it's clearly a giant plot point."

"It must not be too big, as I refuse to call you that."

Lisbon and Jane watched outside, apparently able to hear.

"You did it; the witnesses saw you flee…"

"Clever plan, eh?"

Jane glanced at Lisbon. "Hm. She must have lived abroad."

"Since you've divorced Alex, there have been death threats…" The officer went on inside the "closet".

"When _hasn't _there been a death threat against an ex-husband, or a current husband for that matter? Besides, he has another wife!"

"But why would _she _want to kill him?"

"Money? Mercy? Anger? An affair…" The officer trained his finger on her.

"HA! So you did do it!"

"What? No!" Sophie cried. "I don't have motive!"

"You work together! Motive. You're a scientist. Motive. You work with this poison. Motive. You're blonde. Motive."

"I think I need a lawyer." Sophie clammed up. "Clearly, you hate females or scientists."

Lisbon turned to Jane. "That's pretty damning evidence. What if she is the killer?"

"She didn't do it."

"How do you know?"

"She wouldn't lie to me; we've done a pinky swear and everything—it's legit."

"Because _that _has stopped people in the past from committing murder?" Lisbon asked, with a sarcastic grin. "Suure. Let me go around and ask for a pinky swear from _all _the criminals in the Sacramento area—I'm sure that's going to turn their lives around."

"It's the only thing you haven't done." Jane muttered, and Lisbon raised her eyebrow. "Lisbon, that woman is innocent and…if she's not, well…we'll kill her."

Lisbon wasn't humored.

"Perhaps even, _flog_ her."

"Jane, I'm assuming you have a point here?"

"I do!" Jane gave with a cocky grin, as Lisbon crossed her arms against her chest. "You see, I'm _never _wrong, and if I were—the world would probably implode."

"Jane, I know you won't tell me but for the sake of plot…who is this woman?"

"You want to know, but you don't want to know." Jane responded, with a grin.

**X.X.X**

"She did it; she just needs time to…"

"Fall into your trap of lies, and cliché comments?"

"Jane!" Lisbon cried, as one of the other officers stepped up to the three of them. "Look. We have no evidence, so she's not guilty yet."

"I disagree!" Argued Mr. Cliché. "She's a scientist—an evil one!"

"You might be right, but the CBI…"

"KICKS ASS." Jane beamed.

Lisbon glanced at him. "Well, we do that too—but no, we have jurisdiction."

"I find it funny that a justice department such as…"

Jane interrupted. "You want to hear something funny? Two men walk into a bar and…"

"Excuse me, sir!" The silent officer interrupted, as he showed the older man a poster.

"Oh, look." Jane pointed at the poster. "Dogs; that's plot point for sure."

"Plot point?" The second officer asked.

"He does this all the time, best to just ignore it." Lisbon told the younger officer, who nodded.

**~CBI Bullpen~**

"…_so, if you don't stop—we'll kill some dude with a weird name._

_Love from,_

_The Animal Equality League." _

"That's helpful." Minelli ushered. "Who's the…?"

"Must be Lewis Stutzer—he's a scientist, has many awards." Chancellor Stern told both Lisbon and Minelli. "His connection to Alex Nelson is that Sophie Miller and Alex are his colleagues." Minelli nodded. "Please understand, I'm giving an excuse so I won't be accused later but I need this handled properly."

"…Agent Lisbon and her unit," Lisbon nodded. "Even with Patrick Jane, have the highest clearance rate in the state."

"Good." Chandler Stern left, and Minelli turned to Lisbon.

"What? Did you and Jane switch places? An animal rights case? You will have nightmares about Jane and this lady-friend of his for the rest of the case."

"I know. I'm sorry. I didn't realize that and…wait…what?"

"…and that guy Stern, will be a pain in the ass—mark my words, he will be another Patrick Jane!" Minelli shuddered, as did Lisbon. "You better clean this crap up fast, Agent Lisbon….by the way, where's Jane?"

"Hopefully lost." Lisbon muttered, as Minelli walked away.

**~Lisbon's Office~**

"Hey! Thanks for moving this episode along, by not saying we had a closet romp to make you take that case. Imagine the horror at _that _statement." Lisbon ignored him. "Lisboooooon, helloooooo." She turned around.

"Tell me the truth."

"The truth? Having a quick romp in your office would do wonders for our UST." Jane grinned, deep in thought. "Also! Darth Vader. Luke's father." Jane chuckled until Lisbon slammed her cabinet shut.

"Seriously?"

"To which part?"

"I have stuck my stupid neck out for you, for the umpteenth time."

"I count only nine. This is number ten, which will make me save your life eventually—as all the small things matter, Lisbon!"

"I think I deserve the truth."

"What if I told you, you couldn't handle the truth?"

Lisbon blinked. "I'd torture you, until you told me."

He wasn't sure, she _wasn't _kidding and instead of arguing, he shut her magical glass door.

"Why is this woman so important to you?"

"She was my mistress." Once again, Lisbon wasn't amused. "No, she was my doctor because even though I _seem _perfectly fine, people forget that only four episodes ago I cried, and I sleep here at night."

"So…she's a psychiatrist?"

"Yes. She was my psychiatrist."

"But you hate psychiatrists, or so you always say."

"She was a good psychiatrist."

"She must have been; keeping you in a room requires a taser for me."

"That's because you secretly get off from pulling that out of you…" Lisbon narrowed her eyes. "It was a locked room."

Cue the emotional music.

"Oh."

"Yeah, and now I'm having a flashback. Me in that shiny suit, opening the door to see Red John's smiley…" Jane sighed. "I had a rough time, but now I'm all better thanks to Sophie!"

"It's not on your record," Lisbon replied.

"Trust me, it won't be—it's not easy to do, you stalker-woman." He took a pause.

"I'm your boss remember? I _do _have access to your files…"

"I know there's nothing shameful about having a breakdown, but I am shamed you won't love me now…"

"You're forgetting something; I never loved you _before_."

"Yes you did, Lisbon. Stop denying it! Anyway, I have to admit…I'm ashamed."

Lisbon continued to stare at him. "Thank you for being so honest with me."

"Sorry I kept it from you, but don't expect me to tell you anymore truths from his point on."

Somebody knocked on the door.

"Quick! Put your shirt back on!" Lisbon continued to stare at him, as Van Pelt stepped in.

"Uh…?" Lisbon glanced at her. "Should I come back later?"

"No." Lisbon.

"Yes." Jane.

Lisbon ignored him and went toward Van Pelt, only to follow her into the bullpen to learn that the internet has information on the animal equality league.

**~Stutzer Institute~**

"I'm Carrie Sheen, and I am Dr. Stutzer's teaching assistant." The brunette-turned blonde, seemed way too jumpy.

"Did you know Alex?"

"Yes, he was a good man…" She started to open the door to the lab.

"AKA?" Jane goaded.

"He was a GOOD, GOOD man." Carrie responded.

So, the two very good looking members of the Serious Crimes Unit entered the lab to talk to Dr. Stutzer. After the dropping of names, Dr. Stutzer told them about his epic project, to treat evil—he called it the "morality engine".

"Do you know what a soul is made of?" Asked Stutzer.

"Frogs and snails, and puppy dog tails?" Jane asked. "Sugar and spice, and everything nice?"

"Ah, humor—funny!" Stutzer remarked, before he continued on about binary soul switches with Jane still grinning. Eventually, he brought consultant/agent to see the animals. "This is Suzie."

Jane leaned over to Lisbon, "That's the ugliest dog I've ever seen…"

"Jane, that's a monkey." Lisbon told him.

"Oh, there goes our plot point."

Stutzer continued to talk about gyrates, while Jane made a banana disappear—Lisbon smiled, as the monkey went wild.

After five more minutes of talk, Jane couldn't help but respond to Stutzer.

"We're trying to protect the world."

"From monkey attacks?" Lisbon tried to hide her smile, while Stutzer continued on.

"Ah, more humor."

"You _do _realize you talk waaaaay too much right?" Jane asked, as Stutzer brought the two of them to the creepy machine room, where Jane finally decided in his head that he _would _fire bomb the place.

He told Lisbon so too.

"People are more than electrical appliances."

"I told you, women are like accordions."

"We haven't gotten to that episode yet!" Lisbon interrupted, as Sophie Miller, in all her equal prettiness came over.

"Patrick!"

"Dr. Miller!"

"Patrick!"

"Sophie!"

This went on for five more minutes, as Jane grinned and Lisbon grew annoyed.

"Uh," Jane glanced at Lisbon. "Yeah, this is the token of my affections—we will have babies someday, Agent Lisbon."

Lisbon and Sophie shook hands, while Lisbon glared indiscreetly at him, as he continued to stare at Sophie as if she hung the moon in the sky.

"I think I'll just go jump off a cliff now." Lisbon dryly told him.

"Okay, you do that. Go have fun! Bring me back a t-shirt." Jane stated, in distraction and Lisbon walked off.

"Thanks for getting me out."

"Oh, it wasn't me." He told her. "It was the animal equality league that sprung you."

Then, the eye sex happened.

Of course, Jane felt guilty and tried to avoid his and Sophie's UST (as his and Lisbon's was enough, thank you very much.)

"So, how have you been?" Sophie asked.

"Good, very good, you?" Jane questioned.

"Oh you know; the usual. My ex-husband is dead, I sleep alone at night and you're about to learn something here, so listen up."

"I don't know why that should surprise me? I suppose most patients believe their doctors to be happier than a grinning possum."

"Well, who in their right mind would consult a sick doctor?"

"Another sick doctor?" Jane beamed.

"You see, I left clinical for that. I went into practical research so I could study monkey, and have my ex-husband die—so I'd be blamed. I suppose this is my revenge for not making a move on you, when I should have, years ago."

Jane stared at her, with a grin. "My heart belongs to someone else."

"Agent Lisbon?"

"Oh no," Jane responded. "Late night infomercials…but you and Alex Nelson? Why did you really call me?"

"Maybe I JUST wanted to see you again, and now I have and I realize you've changed. Goodbye Patrick, though I will see you in about ten minutes."

"Why?"

"I can't leave without having more chances of eye sex with you!" Sophie left Jane, only for him to have a flashback.

"Damn, where are the projectors when you need them?" He muttered.

**~Bullpen~**

Rigsby, Cho and Van Pelt, who had been practically missing all case-long found a van with a bear on it, connected it to the animal equality league and bring some guy in, who has about thirty cats.

"Do you realize the real rulers of this planet are insects?" Creepy-Cat guy asked.

"…and I have a gun." Cho responded.

**~Alex Nelson's House/Carrie Sheen's House~**

"I used to be a brunette, but Alex likes me blonde. I haven't been married to him long, yet he was arguing with somebody named Rosie."

"Do you suspect another woman?"

"What? No!" Emily seemed shocked, and Jane then lectured her on control freaks before he left to Carrie Sheen's home, who was already dead…though Jane had to patronize Lisbon first.

**~Bullpen~**

"Women like to explain themselves!"

"Of course they do," Jane argued. "Which is why she did it, she was ashamed. CLOSED CASE. Let's get some ice cream!"

"I'd like to know who it is! Which leaves us only one suspect…"

"Dr. Stutzer? Minelli? Yourself?"

"No, Sophie. She fought with Alex a lot."

"Oh come on, Lisbon! It's not like you haven't tried to kill or argue with your husband before."

"I'm not married!"

"So, you aren't…not yet anyway." Jane beamed. "Now, let's go ask her again, so I can be right once more!"

**~Creepy Machine Room/Stutzer's Office~**

"Dr. Miller?" Lisbon asked, as Sophie continued to talk in evil-scientist. "You've heard about Carrie Sheen, right?"

"Yes, because she KILLED Alex!"

"Is there any place we can talk privately?"

"Sure, because I'm going to prove I'm innocent; just so you can't keep me away from Patrick."

Lisbon eyed her. "What?"

"Sophie! Let's talk!" Jane interceded.

The two learned that Sophie knew about Carrie's affair, and then they asked about Rosie.

Monkey!Susie went wild, until Lisbon left Stutzer's office and Jane had another flashback of brunette!Sophie, with an RJ smiley on the wall.

"So yeah," Sophie admitted. "Rosie is really Susie; we can't _really _make people good. We needed the money, and Stutzer needed us! But I made my yearly donation to charities, so I'm guilt-free."

"So you killed him to cover it all up?"

"No! If I wanted to kill them, I'd just kill them!"

"You lied to me! Go to Brazil. Our eye sex is done."

"Patrick!"

He had another flashback of feeling the good doctor up.

"I had nothing to do with these murders."

Jane glanced at her. "I'm going to shoot you, alright?"

Sophie glanced back him. "Our eye sex wasn't _that _bad, was it?"

Jane merely grinned.

**~Stutzer's Lab/Stutzer's Office~**

"So okay then! He said no, but we're doing this anyway…kapeesh?"

Lisbon nodded. "We would have a killer, or the end to an extremely weird day."

**~Outside~**

"Professor! It works! The morality engine works! He's a psychopath now!" Sophie cried.

**~Creepy Machine Room~**

"Question nine-thousand; if you could be a serial killer…would you be one?"

"No."

"Question four-billion, nine-thousand, and two hundred twenty-two; If you could kill some off your unit, would you?"

"Yes."

Stutzer beamed, and ran to get Stern—just to show him the machine worked.

"Eating people is wrong."

"Yes."

"Question fifty bazillion kazillion; it is illegal to burn things down?"

"No."

Jane pulled the plugs from his neck, and he left.

"PATRICK! YOU'RE STILL INSANE! COME BACK! YOU MIGHT KILL SOMEBODY! COME BACK!" Everybody cried after him, as he left to head to Stutzer's office.

"I got annoyed with the numbers, don't worry about it! I'm good! You fixed me!"

"No!" Stutzer cried. "You're a freakin' psychopath!"

Jane smiled; locked the door and grabbed a gun out of Stutzer's drawer, before he began his long-winded dialogue.

"I catch bad people. I punish them. That's all I do because bad people are evil, and I know I'm good! Got that?"

"YES!" Stutzer agreed.

"Good people play Yatzee and Strip Poker, because they're good…and bad people are bad. So let's test your morals, shall we?" Jane cocked his head. "Question 99, who killed Alex Nelson?"

Jane had his gun on Stutzer. "AND CARRIE SHEEN. Tell me, or I WILL KILL THAT WOMAN!" Jane pointed his gun at Sophie.

"I'm telling the truth! I didn't!"

Sophie was shot.

"Oh my God! You killed Sophie!" Stern cried.

(All the while, Rigsby is offering Cho gum.)

"Now that we've established the rules. WHO KILLED THEM? Or I will shoot Stern and then! I will shoot you!" The gun was still on Stutzer.

"IT WAS ME!" Stern blurted. "I did it!" Jane trained the gun on him. "I'm sorry," he glanced over at the surprised Stutzer. "I only tried to protect you!"

"I need evidence, as clearly word ain't good enough in this town."

"In my basement, next to the tied-up coworker! There's a bottle!"

"What's in the bottle? Pepsi? Coke?"

"Cyanide."

"Why?" Jane asked.

"Because I'm evil and greedy!"

"Carrie was going to expose you too! Wasn't she? So you had to kill her?"

"Yes!"

"Where in the basement is that bottle again?"

"Top shelf on the left, next to the woman…" Jane punched the code into the door. "I bet you keep a clean basement. What was in that bottle again?" Lisbon had joined the party.

"CYANIDE!"

"Sophie," Jane glanced at her. "You can get up now."

Sophie did, and Stern boxed himself into a corner denying.

Leyland University-Zip.

SCU-1

**~Outside~**

"In the future," Jane told Sophie, as they sat next to each other. "Don't call me just to hit on me, so I can get you out of jail."

"Are you sure? I mean I'm better than late night infomercials?"

"Yes. Positive."

"All right then." She sighed.

"What are you going to do now?" Jane asked her.

"I'm ruined as a scientist, so I'll go back to helping people."

"Great idea!"

And though, Jane had forbid it—eye sex happened, before he kissed her on the cheek.

"Bye Sophie, be well."

Jane left her, to find Lisbon grinning at him from the SUV.

"Aw. Jane kissed a girl!"

"Yes I did," he admitted. "Why are you jealous?" Lisbon glared. "We could change that."

"Do it and I WILL pinch you." Jane hopped in the SUV, as he looked all sad. "Do you want to drive?"

Jane beamed. "So you can kiss me? Sur…!"

"Nope," Lisbon drove off. "Too late."


End file.
